As we gather to binge in honor of our busiest national holiday, we’re here to offer a different kind of dish, a rundown of what each zodiac sign brings — or doesn’t bring — to the table.
We serve this generous helping of zodiac shade along with the knowledge that the true history and legacy of Thanksgiving continues to be dangerously and willfully misrepresented and mythologized.
Let it be said, let it be accepted and let us be better. And now, let’s turn our attention to the stars that govern us.
How do our zodiac signs inform the kind of party guests/hosts/misanthropes we are? Are we fresh or frozen? Boxed wine or a good bottle? From scratch or from the store? Helpful or likely to cause a structure fire?
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
This article pairs well with Thanksgiving 2024, teenage angst, avoiding your mother, and this roundup of zodiac signs like summer.
Read, dig and drink.
Roasted turkey with burnt earth
Aries, the fire starter of the zodiac, is also more likely to insist on frying a turkey. Predictably, they will fail to read instructions or follow safety protocols.
Bad news: The house is engulfed in flames.
The good news: The average Aries’ bone structure is strong enough to support a lack of eyebrows.
potato
Little known fact: Inside the chest of every Taurus beats not a heart, but a Yukon Gold potato. Taurus people will get you your dishes, twice baked, baked and baked.
Never one to let gluttony get in the way of glamour, the bulls will spend Thanksgiving going hard on the starch from the comfort of a velvet tutu.
Poured tea
Gemini will forget to bring the side dish they burned or never intended to and show up empty-handed but armed with h.Or take, unsolicited opinions, tangents, half-truths, outrageous conspiracy theories and a willingness to bet on predictions of family divorce.
Weeds
Feelings are hard, brother, and feelings plus family plus the crushing weight of ancestral trauma equals too heavy a burden for the Cancer people to carry without crutches.
Practitioners of discreet but extensive self-care, you’ll find Cancer in the upstairs bathtub, getting hot and ugly crying.
Bless.
A camera
Still grieving that their mom didn’t read their high school blog, the Leos are ready to bring the camcorder to their family reunion.
The Lions will be tending to taping the dinner table conversation with plans to turn the drama and infighting into a one-person off-Broadway play—starring, no drum rolls necessary.
Appreciation or revenge? Why choose?
Tupperware
Virgos will usually insist on waiting because they know very well that no one else is capable. They’ll pretend to have fun while secretly fantasizing about the moment when everyone leaves and they can clean the kitchen and watch horrible reality television in holy, pure solitude.
Handmade tablecloth
Constantly looking to cool things down or at least cover them up when company comes over, Libra hopes that their offering and the intricate embroidery of the tablecloth will distract from the obvious fact that they’re self- medicated, detached and or dependent. from a thread.
Nothing
As the zodiac’s unexpected searcher and moral compass, Scorpio is likely to conscientiously object to celebrating a holiday that is, in essence, a pumpkin-flavored commemoration of colonial genocide.
Respect.
Chocolate with mushrooms
Maybe if we could all get a little weird, we could all get along: That’s the guiding principle of the wildly optimistic Sagittarius, who’s likely to show up half-drunk with a beautiful stranger by his side and a deck of cards . in their pocket.
In terms of family archetypes, Sag is the cool uncle who brings puppies, smiles, and a harrowing story about his recent bout with malaria.
Macaroni and cheese
Capricorn will bring a pan of macaroni and cheese, as he, like the stoic ibex, is cost-effective and refuses to coddle those weak enough to have food allergies. The dish associated with milk imitates the sign itself – charged constantly to hold it all together.
Something terrible with the lenses
Galvanized by surrealist films and Kim Kardashian’s pro-vegan Instagram stories, Aquarius, the undisputed cult leader of the zodiac, can declare that meat is murder and shame/shame anyone who reaches for a drumstick or gazes longingly at the bacon spiral. We appreciate you keeping us aspirational water carriers.
Astrology 101: Your Guide to the Star
Boxed wine
Pisces people always show up late to Friendsgiving – and in yesterday’s clothes. They smile and move around the kitchen, asking if anyone needs help and with zero intention of providing it.
They put the wine in the box they brought and open something expensive they didn’t. Stay cute.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and reports irreverently on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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